Recently after years and years of heartaches, letdowns, and countless Saturdays nights spent stumbling half-drunk around dark bars in a vain attempt to find love, I decided that it was time to grow up. I had finally had enough of my party-all-the-time lifestyle. It was time to get seriou ...

Members of The Dramatists Guild of America, the organization of playwrights, of which I have been an active member for many years, was in an unusually feisty mood in a review they let howl at a theater critic in the Windy City. What was the occasion of the lambasting A long-time critic f ...

The combative president of Iran continued to reject a resolution by Western nations that his nation stop its development of the atomic bomb for peaceful purposes, even though, through some fluke, inspectors from The International Atomic Energy Agency discovered new traces of highly enric ...

As you have no doubt read, the countrys leading bigamist distinguished title, eh was arrested in Las Vegas during a routine traffic stop. He had made it to the number one spot on the FBIs list of top ten hits for marrying underage women to devout gentleman significantly older than them ...

The Defense Department announced that our ever-vigilant military managed to intercept and shoot down a seagull over the Pacific. To assure a successful outcome, Dick Cheney was invited to observe the launch of the interceptor missile, as long as he brought along his quail gun to act as a ...

What does a resourceful malefactor do when nearly all of the world is searching for him and he has nothing more urgent to do than hide out Why, what else He takes up gardening. At least, plants and vegetables cant reveal his whereabouts. Theyre also unlikely to be covert members of the C ...

Leading deadly duffers of Hezbollah and Hamas have finally surveyed the damage that their misjudgment has inflicted on their own people, perhaps partly out of fear that these long-suffering victims might decide to terrorize them. As a result of the self-imposed reality therapy, leaders o ...

Wouldnt it be revelatory if a helpful hand would came out of the clouds and give the human race a new work list Given our present doings, we sure could use one. But, since the hand does not seem to be forthcoming, we decided to take the hint and do our best to help develop one. To get th ...

The Florida manatee has fooled us all for ages. We thought it was as slow to cogitate as its sweet potato body is to move. Never did the clever "sea cow" let on that its actually as brainy as, or perhaps even brainier than, a somersaulting dolphin. But now its lethargic disguise has been ...

I actually bought a Sunday paper this past weekend, something I haven't done for a while. Reading about all the problems in the world just tends to detract from my retirement euphoria. A person can get a serious ulcer thinking about all of this stuff. I mean, the idea of a radicalized Ir ...

Sometimes, even a mountain lion has to watch who it bites. Consider the case of the mountain lion, or cougar, who jumped out of the woods at a park in British Columbia and took a 4 year old boy named Paul Krismer, Jr., by the head. The boy's father, Paul Krismer, happened, luckily enoug ...

Iran provided its long-promised multi-faceted response to the proposal by Western nations that the mullahdom stop enriching uranium. A day or so before it presented its written response, the obstreperous nation conducted war games during which ten highly photographed missiles were fired ...

Do you save one of the books of holy writ or the helpless babe Be fair. You can only save one. No time for two. The flames are at your fanny. Yes, there's some chance you can go back for a second rescue attempt, but right now the hope is too risky to influence your decision. Lets say you ...

In the trial of Saddam Hussein for genocide, he and his lawyers apparently decided that playing dumb and asking, What 180,000 Kurds would unlikely prove to be a credible defense. So they cleverly decided to admit to the dastardly act of genocide through chemistry, while maintaining that ...

In an effort to rescue drivers from the high cost of gasoline, Toyota has announced the introduction of the Toy, the first car for grownups that is operated like a childs pedal car. Its main benefit is, of course, that it requires no gas. There is, however, a limit as to how far the vehi ...

Viacom gave Tom Cruise the bruise of his career or, more exactly, its cantankerous chairman, Sumner Redstone, did, for behavior unbecoming an employee of the entertainment giant, saying Cruises shenanigans are not acceptable to Paramount. Redstones punch to the career launched an entire ...

An embryo was relaxing when a female clinician approached the little glass dish in which it was defrosting after a long time in the freezer. The embryo noticed her approach and exclaimed, Whoopee, do I get implanted now I cant wait to grow up and become a real person! No such luck, the r ...

The Senate, recently more rancorous than usual in terms of bipartisan backbiting, decided to offer an outlet for the aggressive behavior by voting to install a boxing ring. In an effort to allow for the widespread lack of physical conditioning, all fights will be limited to one round. Th ...

Members of The Dramatists Guild of America, the organization of playwrights, of which I have been an active member for many years, was in an unusually feisty mood in a review they let howl at a theater critic in the Windy City. What was the occasion of the lambasting A long-time critic f ...

Can you believe it George Bush, the foursquare flatfoot of diplomatic dexterity, has finally discovered the nimble art of foreign intrigue. While European nations were eager to establish a cease fire in Lebanon and seemed forthright about sending troops to enforce it, no sooner did the s ...