Have you ever noticed how enthusiasm and affection
between two people can dwindle as time goes on
Whether its a romance, friendship, or work
relationship, sometimes the air goes right out of
your sails, seemingly for no reason.
But usually, its not without cause. It's most
often due to the | | emotional cancer of resentment.
However mild or intense, resentment can erode a
relationship. Because it is so subtle in the
beginning, you hardly notice as it slowly destroys
intimacy and trust and, finally, love.
What causes the cancer to spread It's sacrifice,
doing something for someone else that you don't
really want to do, which is driven by the fear of
what will happen if you dont do it.
In general, our culture confuses sacrifice with
love, teaching us the virtue of loving others
more than ourselves. So we attempt to demonstrate
or prove love with sacrifice, and we get upset or
feel unloved if others won't sacrifice for us.
Yet sacrifice is a wheel that crushes everyone
who gets on it. It goes like this:
1. When you sacrifice (do something you don't
really want to do for fear of what will happen
if you dont) you have
2. An unspoken expectation (e.g., they will
sacrifice for you later or regard you in a particular
way or love you more) that creates hidden agendas,
but, you get
3. Disappointed because they fail to fulfill
their end of the bargain (e.g., love you the way you
want them to or do what you want them to) so, you
become
4. Resentful, perhaps angry (After all I've done
for you!), which leads inevitably to
5. Guilt (because resentment is an attack on the
other and attack always boomerangs at some level), so
the best way to atone for your guilt is to
6. Sacrifice some more to prove what a good and
loving person you really are. And round and round
you go on the wheel of sacrifice.
You may be wondering if we think it's ever okay to give.
Of course! Real service, or authentic giving, has no
strings attached and expects nothing in return later.
The reward is in the experience of the giving itself.
If you see youve been sacrificing, how do you get off
this vicious circle Three ways:
1. Use forgiveness to heal your guilty thoughts and
feelings (the root of your impulse to sacrifice).
2. Stop sacrificing and create a new understanding
in your relationships that sacrifice is toxic. Agree
not to do it anymore or expect others to do it for you,
which means you have the freedom to say no without
losing love.
3. Make clear requests and express explicit
expectations.
Can you imagine what your relationships might be like
if no one sacrificed but did only what they wanted to
do The people you love and who love you would be in
your life because they really chose to be there, not
because they felt it was expected or it wa |
| | and express explicit
expectations.
Can you imagine what your relationships might be like
if no one sacrificed but did only what they wanted to
do The people you love and who love you would be in
your life because they really chose to be there, not
because they felt it was expected or it was what they
were supposed to do.
Because sacrifice is so deeply ingrained in our culture,
you may experience resistance as you consider what youre
reading here. But we encourage you to experiment.
When we first fell in love, we decided we would not
sacrifice for one another. Instead, we would tell
the truth about what we did and did not want to do,
and we would not use emotional blackmail to try to
get the other to sacrifice for us. We would not
withhold love when one of us said no, and we would
not extend ourselves with an unspoken expectation of
reward later. It has not always been easy, but it has
been one of the most important decisions weve made.
We credit it as one of the primary reasons we are
still happily together and our love is still so
vibrantly alive.
In part two of this article, youll see how to stop
sacrificing (instead, create relationships that are
resentment-free zones!), and practice the fine art
of being true to yourself and the partnerships you create.
© 2006 Paul and Layne Cutright All rights reserved.
You may publish this article in its entirety and with
the authors resource information intact.
About The Author
Paul and Layne Cutright are relationship coaches and teachers who have been offering secrets and strategies for successful relationships at home and in business since 1976. They are authors of the best selling book, Youre Never Upset for the Reason You Think Secrets and Strategies for Resolving Any Upset Quickly and Easily. www.PaulandLayne.com
paul@paulandlayne.com
This article was posted on April 15, 2006 |
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